For the past few days, a post has been circulating on tumblr that accuses me of rape. This post also shares my personal information and has resulted in a significant amount of online harassment. Grappling with my own history of trauma and hearing about the pain of the person who made the post has been a devastating experience for me. I’ve been taking some time for healing and processing with my friends, and it has been very difficult for me to speak to the community about this. Nevertheless, there has been a call for accountability on the part of myself and my peers, and I would like to respond to it.
I do know the person who has made these accusations. I stayed at her home for several days in 2012, when I was 19, when I first moved to Portland. Looking back on my time with her, I do not recall a single time when I acted, to my knowledge, in a way that she did not consent to. The account that I read does not line up with my memory of events. I’m baffled, and horrified. She and I have coexisted in the same art community for years, and during that time, I was unaware of the hurt and trauma that she was feeling. I truly did not know that she felt that my presence could make a space unsafe.
I believe in Ivy’s pain. And I, from the bottom of my heart, apologize for the trauma that she is experiencing as a result of our interactions. I know there is a lot that I do not understand, and that when it comes to sex, feelings of consent and safety are very delicate, complicated, and difficult to communicate. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to help her heal, whether that means a mediated discussion or my voluntary removal from the community.
I will share that I am a straight white male who - like everyone else - grew up steeped in rape culture. Consent and the ways in which we negotiate power dynamics in relationships were never explained to me by my parents, my school, or anyone else in my life. In fact, it was this very community – tumblr and the wider comics world surrounding it – that allowed me to begin to understand my privilege and develop a dialogue to talk about sexual consent and rape culture. These are subjects that I care deeply about. I have always been open to discussion about sexism and sexualized violence, both inside and outside the comics community. I also recognize that growing up in a rape culture does not and should not excuse people from abusing others, and that even people who think critically about consent and sexual assault can and do commit acts of violence. I am grateful to this community for opening me to these ideas, and I am more devoted to those discussions, and healing reparative action, than ever.
I am not expecting forgiveness or rationalization or support from any of you. I know Ivy is doing what she feels is necessary to keep herself and others safe, but I do ask that you respect the privacy of my friends, who have been unfairly targeted for their association with me. I believe that social media is a platform through which we can have productive dialogues about rape culture and assault and find new ways to demand accountability. For now, though, I will be taking a voluntary step back from social media, and from my participation in comics/zine events. While I do, I will be processing this through face-to-face conversations about my role in this situation, as well as my position within the broader spectrum of rape culture. I am beginning by having these conversations with my friends, my family, and, soon, a therapist. I am deeply grateful to all of the caring people who have supported me and/or Ivy during the last few days, and to everyone else for your time in reading this.
-Andrew Pannell
